July 29, 2004
some pics
Ah... chemo. Close to the last treatment now, just mere weeks away.
All those chemo side effects... nausea, low rbc count, etc.. it's very tiring and draining.
(this 5sec pose sure took a lot of energy :) )
Take that, cancer! chemo's takin' out those cancerous cells! ha!
July 28, 2004
5-year plan
I have to admit I do not live my life with a very long-term perspective. I am not a planner. I’m the kind of person who likes to take one step at a time and hates interview questions like what are my 5-year, 10-year plan, coz I simply do not have one. To many, this is not a very desirable character trait. I know I drive Siang crazy sometimes that I don’t seem to care much about the future. Even though I have an MBA, I suck at planning our investments/retirement because it’s too far off into the unknown future. But maybe it’s this not-so-good character trait that has helped me cope with my illness. It makes me willing to just eat whatever it’s cooked on the table (a Cantonese saying). But of course I can never take credit from God and the powerful prayer of everyone around me.
Now I need to have a 5-year plan -- to be cured of breast cancer. (In medical terms, 5 years of cancer-free is considered cured, recurrence during the 5-year period is called relapse, recurrence after 5 years is well...just recurrence). Even though I don’t tend to think much about the future, the fear of cancer recurrence would surface from time to time, and lately it’s been bugging me more… An acquaintance's teenage daughter is currently having some serious heart problems. The daughter had cancer when she was a toddler and had to go through chemo with Adriamycin, the same drug I’m currently getting. One of the long-term side-effects of adriamycin is heart failure… … I couldn’t help but fear the same. Would I have to have the same open heart surgery in 10 years’ time?? I’m scared.
I know I can do my part by really taking good care of myself and maintaining an extremely healthy lifestyle after I’m done with treatment. The rest would have to leave it up to God. I don’t know what 5-yr/10-yr plan God has for me. All I can do is to remember how He has brought me to this day, to constantly remind myself of His goodness, how He has carried me through all these years, through my surgery and my chemo treatment so far. Only through this can my fear be alleviated and I’m still working on it. This is indeed a faith-stretching experience. I used to always say in Bible study that my faith had never been tested. Now I have the opportunity, in the 10th year of my Christian life.
July 19, 2004
Sharing from a book
It's boring to share my same old bowel movement and nausea/vomiting problems…. So I’ve decided to share an excerpt from a book I’m currently reading – A Bend in the Road by David Jeremiah, an excerpt I find particularly encouraging, sorry this is long… …:
Gary had been invited to a zoo where a captive giraffe was about to give birth. He said, “The moment we had anticipated was not a disappointment. A calf, a plucky male, hurled forth, falling ten feet and landing on his back. The mother giraffe gives birth to its young standing up, and the distance from the birth canal to the ground is about ten feet. Think of this – ten feet is approx. the height for dunking a basketball, plus about 4 extra inches.
So the calf fell out of its mother ten feet above ground, and landed on its back. It lay there for a few moments, and then it scrambled over to get its legs underneath it so that it could take a look around and check out the world it had just entered. The mother lowered her head to see the baby, then she moved until she was towering directly above the calf. About a minute passed, then came the shocking surprise. The mother giraffe swung her great, long leg outward and booted her baby through the air. The calf sprawled head over heels across the ground, puzzled and protesting. The mother giraffe wants him to get up – and if he doesn’t, she’s going to do it again. Sure enough, the process was repeated again and again. And the struggle to rise was momentous, and as the baby grew tired of trying, the mother would again stimulate its effort with a hearty kick. Amidst the cheers of the animal care staff, the calf stood up for the first time. Wobbly, for sure, but there it stood on its little spindly legs. Then we were struck silent when the mother kicked it off its feet again. Gary’s zoologist friend was the only person present who wasn’t astonished by the mother’s brutal treatment of her newborn calf. “She wants it to remember how it got up,” he explained. “That’s why she knocked it down again.”
To remember how it got up. Doesn’t God nurture us in just the same rough way sometimes? And if we’re ignorant as to His methods and purposes, the actions can seem cold and even cruel. We finally struggled to our feet, and it seems as if we’re kicked again. But our Heavenly Father knows that love must be tough and it must take the long view. God knows the road will bend, and we must be sturdy traveler to stay on our feet. We must not forget how we got to where we are.
One of the reasons for some of the challenges in our lives is that God is toughening us up, preparing us for warfare against forces intent on destroying us. I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t admit to feeling kicked and abused at times, all the while hearing the voice that says, “Get up. Get moving. Get with it! And don’t forget how you got up.”
Our God created the principle of rigorous discipline. I hope that by now you can understand why it’s necessary. I hope you will face your next great disappointment with a new perspective – that the next time things look down, you’ll look up. I hope you’ll gird up your heart, reach for renewed strength, and say “Lord, I’ve been taken by surprise. Life has thrown me a curve, and it’s a hard thing for me to cope with. Even so, I praise Your blessed name. Whatever comes my way, joy or sorrow, I will stubbornly and confidently praise Your name. No matter how circumstances may appear, I will praise Your name. For I know You are wise and loving, and that no mere circumstance can change that. Whether this current road leads to exhilarating peaks or gloomy canyons, I praise You and I thank You. You are my God, You love me enough to train me and remake me, and only You can turn my mourning into dancing.”
--- end of excerpt ---
July 10, 2004
July 08, 2004
Feeling Nauseous
Only 5 more doses of chemo and 31 more self-injections to go. That would be the end of chemotherapy. Hormone therapy would be another 2.5 years, but at least I would have the harder part behind me.
Lately, my nausea and vomiting has becoming more intense. I vomited several times while at work. I also learned a new multi-tasking skill of throwing up and driving at the same time. Thank God for giving me the foresight to always bring a big ziplock bag with me and thank Him for watching over me while I was on the road.
I’m going to apply for leave of absence with reduced work schedule because the drugs are hitting harder on me these days. It would be nice to avoid commuting and to have the option to take more naps during the day. Thank God for a very nice boss who is supportive of my decision.
BTW, bowel movements have improved. Thanks for praying, but keep praying please! :-)
Please also pray that I will have good appetite and maintain my weight. Thank you.