Survivor: Cancer

Annie rocks.

Siang here. Check out:

http://seattlemarathon.org/2004Results.asp?searchmethod=name&name=teng

Yeah, that's my wife. She kicks butt. The vague sense that she might leave me in the dust when we do Mt Kinabalu (13,455 ft) in January '05 is now pure clarity; she will.

Ms Modest will say it's only the half, etc. I say, just 3 months after a dozen doses of chemo.

The livestrong yellow and sharebeautyspreadhope pink wristbands are cool. I want an Annie wristband. My wife rocks.

Some updates

The portacath is out! The surgery was about a week ago. I felt quite a bit of pain for a few days, but it’s getting much better. The wound is still healing. Please pray that the scar will heal well and there’ll be no infection. AND, please pray that I will never ever need it ever again!

Physically, I’m feeling great --
* Returned to work full-time on August 30.

* Went biking 3 weeks ago, round trip between Lake Forest Park and the wineries in Woodinville, about 18 miles total. I did it without much problem.

* Went on a hike during the Labor Day weekend to Lake Serene, about 7 miles round trip. It was a pretty tough hike for me coz it was fairly steep for the last few miles. The trail was very rocky and had a lot of steep wooden staircase to climb. My legs were super sore and I had to walk funny for 4 days. Really need to ramp up my physical activities if I’m serious about backpacking to Enchantments in mid-October.

I’m contemplating about doing a half marathon on Thanksgiving Sunday. I’ve joined a local support group, Team Survivor Northwest, which organizes group trainings dedicated for women cancer survivors who want to run this race. I know I should be able to walk 13.5 miles, but running is a different story. I could barely finish Greenlake (3 miles) before I was sick. The first group training session will be this evening. Will see what happen.

Hair, eyebrows and eyelashes are growing back at a pretty good pace. :-) I wish my boob would grow back too, but that’s not gonna happen. :-(

Emotionally, still a roller-coaster, but it’s getting much better now that I’m working full-time. I tend to feel down more easily when I’m home alone. When Michele was visiting, she asked me what was the hardest part of the whole process. I said probably chemo. But I want to change my answer. Chemo wasn’t that bad. It was not as tough as I had expected. The hardest part is to get past the pain of losing a breast and the disfigurement. But I thank God for giving me a loving husband who makes me laugh and still thinks that I am beautiful. Without Siang, I think I would be very miserable.

Last Chemo

It was a very rainy day on the last day of chemo. I prepared myself for my last dose of chemo with mixed emotions. On the outside, I wore a bright smile and a bandanna with lots of happy faces that Lavina and Ivy gave me. It was a joyous day. On the inside, I had conflicting emotions. On one hand, I was very glad that it was finally over. On the other hand, I was anxious about the what-if’s. What if the drugs have not done their job? What if cancer cells grow back without chemo? I also thought about how I’m going to resume my ‘normal’ life after chemo because I no longer have an excuse to be pampered any more. I also would have to come face to face with the inconveniences of being one-breasted and bald-headed as I get back to exercises and outdoor activities. Sometimes I feel like nobody except myself can truly understand how much inconveniences and grief this has caused. Somehow I feel that being on chemo gave me the excuse to continue to hide inside the house.

After the nurse was all done, she told me and Siang to wait in the room. Then a group of nurses came in, put a paper crown on me, and blew bubbles all over the place. Then they started singing “It’s all over” to the tune of “Oh My Darling Clementine”:

“It’s all over, it’s all over
No more chemo drugs for you
Say goodbye now, please don’t cry now
‘Cause your chemo is all through
Hit the road, Jack, don’t look back, Mack
Go on out and have some fun
Like we said now, say goodbye now
‘Cause your treatment days are done!”

That was really sweet. They do that for all patients on their last day of chemo. I was very touched and almost cried as they sang. It’s been 3 long months.

After being off chemo for 3 weeks, I know no chemo is much much better. I feel so much more energized. I have also gone back to my step aerobics class last week. It was great.

Siang’s parents have returned to Singapore last Tuesday. I’m so grateful for them being here, helping out so much around the house. I literally did not have to lift a finger to do anything.

Prayer requests:
(1) I was originally scheduled to have my portacath removed tomorrow. But the nurse informed me that my blood counts are a bit low and advised me to wait two more weeks. Please pray that my blood counts will get back to normal soon.

(2) Our house was struck by lightning on my last day of chemo. It really put a damper on everything and is causing a lot of headaches. There are multiple damages to our property. Please pray that things will go smoothly with the insurance company and that we’ll get everything fixed soon.

(3) I’ll be off all drugs for 3 months. The doctor wants to see if I’ll have my period back in order to determine whether I’m still pre-menopausal or post-menopausal. The treatment options are different. Please pray that my ovaries are still able to function normally.

(4) Please pray for complete healing, both physically and emotionally, and pray that I will be strong and have faith, and be disciplined facing the days ahead.

Thanks.

Instead of chemo...

Someone said to me, "Wow, seems that chemos really tough. Someone else mentioned to me that they heard that there's new natural remedies that cure cancer without the pain of chemo..."

It's awfully tempting to believe that all these claims are true. Who knows, some may say. Thought the following might provide an interesting read ... Just happened to pop up in the top news on google news today...

Google News Link 1
Google News Link 2

Got a little break!

Because of the mouth sores on my tongue and gum (one of the many side-effects of Adriamycin), the oncology nurse and doc decided to give me a break from the chemo this week. I was disappointed when I learned that because that would extend my chemo one week further. BUT, the doc said I would not have to make up for it. Yay! :-)

So next Friday will still be my LAST chemo session! Woo Hoo!

I was prescribed some medicine for the mouth sores, and I feel much better now. Thanks to Siang’s mom and dad who had been cooking ‘baby food’ for me, spending time chopping everything to tiny pieces so that I could swallow.

some pics

Ah... chemo. Close to the last treatment now, just mere weeks away.

All those chemo side effects... nausea, low rbc count, etc.. it's very tiring and draining.

(this 5sec pose sure took a lot of energy :) )
Take that, cancer! chemo's takin' out those cancerous cells! ha!

5-year plan

I have to admit I do not live my life with a very long-term perspective. I am not a planner. I’m the kind of person who likes to take one step at a time and hates interview questions like what are my 5-year, 10-year plan, coz I simply do not have one. To many, this is not a very desirable character trait. I know I drive Siang crazy sometimes that I don’t seem to care much about the future. Even though I have an MBA, I suck at planning our investments/retirement because it’s too far off into the unknown future. But maybe it’s this not-so-good character trait that has helped me cope with my illness. It makes me willing to just eat whatever it’s cooked on the table (a Cantonese saying). But of course I can never take credit from God and the powerful prayer of everyone around me.

Now I need to have a 5-year plan -- to be cured of breast cancer. (In medical terms, 5 years of cancer-free is considered cured, recurrence during the 5-year period is called relapse, recurrence after 5 years is well...just recurrence). Even though I don’t tend to think much about the future, the fear of cancer recurrence would surface from time to time, and lately it’s been bugging me more… An acquaintance's teenage daughter is currently having some serious heart problems. The daughter had cancer when she was a toddler and had to go through chemo with Adriamycin, the same drug I’m currently getting. One of the long-term side-effects of adriamycin is heart failure… … I couldn’t help but fear the same. Would I have to have the same open heart surgery in 10 years’ time?? I’m scared.

I know I can do my part by really taking good care of myself and maintaining an extremely healthy lifestyle after I’m done with treatment. The rest would have to leave it up to God. I don’t know what 5-yr/10-yr plan God has for me. All I can do is to remember how He has brought me to this day, to constantly remind myself of His goodness, how He has carried me through all these years, through my surgery and my chemo treatment so far. Only through this can my fear be alleviated and I’m still working on it. This is indeed a faith-stretching experience. I used to always say in Bible study that my faith had never been tested. Now I have the opportunity, in the 10th year of my Christian life.

Sharing from a book

It's boring to share my same old bowel movement and nausea/vomiting problems…. So I’ve decided to share an excerpt from a book I’m currently reading – A Bend in the Road by David Jeremiah, an excerpt I find particularly encouraging, sorry this is long… …:

Gary had been invited to a zoo where a captive giraffe was about to give birth. He said, “The moment we had anticipated was not a disappointment. A calf, a plucky male, hurled forth, falling ten feet and landing on his back. The mother giraffe gives birth to its young standing up, and the distance from the birth canal to the ground is about ten feet. Think of this – ten feet is approx. the height for dunking a basketball, plus about 4 extra inches.

So the calf fell out of its mother ten feet above ground, and landed on its back. It lay there for a few moments, and then it scrambled over to get its legs underneath it so that it could take a look around and check out the world it had just entered. The mother lowered her head to see the baby, then she moved until she was towering directly above the calf. About a minute passed, then came the shocking surprise. The mother giraffe swung her great, long leg outward and booted her baby through the air. The calf sprawled head over heels across the ground, puzzled and protesting. The mother giraffe wants him to get up – and if he doesn’t, she’s going to do it again. Sure enough, the process was repeated again and again. And the struggle to rise was momentous, and as the baby grew tired of trying, the mother would again stimulate its effort with a hearty kick. Amidst the cheers of the animal care staff, the calf stood up for the first time. Wobbly, for sure, but there it stood on its little spindly legs. Then we were struck silent when the mother kicked it off its feet again. Gary’s zoologist friend was the only person present who wasn’t astonished by the mother’s brutal treatment of her newborn calf. “She wants it to remember how it got up,” he explained. “That’s why she knocked it down again.”

To remember how it got up. Doesn’t God nurture us in just the same rough way sometimes? And if we’re ignorant as to His methods and purposes, the actions can seem cold and even cruel. We finally struggled to our feet, and it seems as if we’re kicked again. But our Heavenly Father knows that love must be tough and it must take the long view. God knows the road will bend, and we must be sturdy traveler to stay on our feet. We must not forget how we got to where we are.

One of the reasons for some of the challenges in our lives is that God is toughening us up, preparing us for warfare against forces intent on destroying us. I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t admit to feeling kicked and abused at times, all the while hearing the voice that says, “Get up. Get moving. Get with it! And don’t forget how you got up.”

Our God created the principle of rigorous discipline. I hope that by now you can understand why it’s necessary. I hope you will face your next great disappointment with a new perspective – that the next time things look down, you’ll look up. I hope you’ll gird up your heart, reach for renewed strength, and say “Lord, I’ve been taken by surprise. Life has thrown me a curve, and it’s a hard thing for me to cope with. Even so, I praise Your blessed name. Whatever comes my way, joy or sorrow, I will stubbornly and confidently praise Your name. No matter how circumstances may appear, I will praise Your name. For I know You are wise and loving, and that no mere circumstance can change that. Whether this current road leads to exhilarating peaks or gloomy canyons, I praise You and I thank You. You are my God, You love me enough to train me and remake me, and only You can turn my mourning into dancing.”

--- end of excerpt ---

Wear Yellow

http://www.wearyellow.com

live strong.

Feeling Nauseous

Only 5 more doses of chemo and 31 more self-injections to go. That would be the end of chemotherapy. Hormone therapy would be another 2.5 years, but at least I would have the harder part behind me.

Lately, my nausea and vomiting has becoming more intense. I vomited several times while at work. I also learned a new multi-tasking skill of throwing up and driving at the same time. Thank God for giving me the foresight to always bring a big ziplock bag with me and thank Him for watching over me while I was on the road.

I’m going to apply for leave of absence with reduced work schedule because the drugs are hitting harder on me these days. It would be nice to avoid commuting and to have the option to take more naps during the day. Thank God for a very nice boss who is supportive of my decision.

BTW, bowel movements have improved. Thanks for praying, but keep praying please! :-)
Please also pray that I will have good appetite and maintain my weight. Thank you.